You are flushed cheeks

The babydoll tee that shrank in the dryer
Cellulite on pale thighs
Tight clothes
Stage mothers
Prepubescent beauty queens
You are lying about your age
Named Tiffany or Brad
Teenage angst
Dancing in groups
You are band night at the Y
Boys with shaggy hair
Writing a word in lowercase and capitals
Using Myspace
Goatees
You are failing to grow a beard
A half-buttoned shirt
You are hair gel and highlights
Hoop earrings like bangle bracelets
Forced laughter
You are trying too hard
A declined credit card
You are paying with nickels
Pretending you’re drunk
Beer goggles
You are talking too loudly
Giving your twins rhyming names
You are Willy Loman
A résumé in Comic Sans
Coffee spilled on the front of your shirt
Avoiding eye contact
You don’t get the hint
Singing off-key
Empty seats
You are reunion tours
A one-hit wonder
Made-for-TV
Watching sex scenes with your family
Unibrows
You are the same lame joke
Kissing relatives
Bigoted grandparents
Political correctness
You are canned goods
Margarine
Stubble
Using a public restroom
Farting in class
You are forgetting to brush your teeth
Bed-wetting
Alzheimer’s
And pretending not to watch